It's powerful to take some time to honor the challenges of the year.
My best moment of 2014 came when I realized something wasn't working.
Precursor: I love my life. I am grateful for the enchanting men who have crossed my path, orbited my world and inspired my heart to grow. At the same time, my enchantments have always lived under the shadow of a heavy heart. Yes, we all feel an existential ache for the magical other, but mine felt very connected to the fact that I had never met my father.
I’ve spent 34 years without seeing, touching or talking to the ma who agreed (on a soul level) to birth me into the world.
I had made peace with this. Through past life regressions, I saw how irritated I’ve been during the last 200+ lifetimes of being controlled by men or a patriarchal society. I saw the gift and freedom in not having a fatherly presence presiding over me in this life, so I can be more fully feminine, emotional and expressive, especially in my path to create Qoya. Even though I saw the blessings, I was also feeling the challenges. I didn't have an experience of the masculine as supportive, nurturing or present in my life. This seemed to be playing out in my relationships, and this year, I realized that no matter how much peace I thought I’d made about my father, meeting him might help me break out of the patterns that haven’t been working.
Once I made the decision to find him, I saw it both as a next step for me as an individual and for all of us as a culture. The world is changing and we are on the transition team. In order to redefine the role of our relationships, leadership and social structures to honor the feminine, we also must learn how to embody both the feminine and masculine energy in ourselves.
I typed his name to begin my Google search. Nada. I asked my lawyer friends about a private investigator, and started looking at classes to become your own private investigator (my alter ego is definitely a spy). That didn't feel right. Then, I found peoplefinders.com. For about $40, they got me an address.
The journey across the country from my front door to his is long and beautiful. The result was a perfect moment in my life standing in front of his door, a sense of completion facilitated by a gesture of courage. The moment I rang the doorbell was not only an earnest wish to meet my father for the first time, it was my willingness to the universe to step into the unknown and not look away, but look it directly, sweetly, in the eye. It was a prayer of possibility that anything can happen, and that I no longer want to be weighed down by stories of the past.
I am so grateful for that moment and for all the support and love from friends and family I had before, during, and after the meeting. I am so grateful for the soul assignment of this experience that now feels complete. I feel ready to release the pain of the past, and become initiated back into the thrill of the present moment. Each day is an opportunity to courageously move into the space that only your heart can lead you.
When I rang the doorbell to my father's house, the perfect moment was not that it went so well or that he quoted Bob Dylan lyrics or that we looked alike or that I adored him instantly (even though all of that happened!). The perfect moment was that as I stepped up to the front porch, I released my expectations. I stood there full of nothing but hope that we would both walk forward in freedom. I didn't want to live my life based on a story from the past. I wanted to live my life through my lived experiences, and by surrendering my expectations to that moment, throwing myself fully towards whatever might happen, I changed my story.
This has been my greatest gift in doing and teaching Qoya. It is the most powerful pathway I know back to the physical sensation of truth in the body, truth being love. When you connect with that feeling and follow it, it becomes north on your compass, and when you know where north is, the rest of the journey is so much easier to navigate.
Reflection is a powerful soul stirring practice that inspires growth. I invite you to join me for one of my New Year's traditions to write down gratitudes from the previous year and desires for the year to come, matching the number of the year. This year, I will write down 14 things I am grateful for that happened in 2014 and 15 desires for 2015. Each item is a paragraph or more, diving deep into the heart of what I’m leaving behind, and what I’m heading towards.
You may also want to write down the three major obstacles of the year, then ask what you learned from each. When we see the gifts, we will less likely need to repeat the obstacle course. If tomorrow starts today, let us begin as conscious, whole-hearted and awake as possible.
I recommend getting into your body by doing some Qoya videos, then get out your journal and write down your gratitudes, your challenges and your desires. You can do 14 gratitudes, 3 challenges and 15 desires like me, or any number that feels right.
Esther and Jerry Hicks say you want to live on the razor's edge of deep soulful gratitude of all that has been and enthusiastic passionate desire for all that is to come. Let your New Year's Eve be just like that, dancing ecstatically on the razor's edge.
My heart thanks you for taking the time to read this and for your connection to the work of Qoya. I am grateful that through your experience you have come to know that through movement, we remember. We remember our essence is wise, wild and free. We evolve past the distractions of the day, and anchor into the truth that lives within. We honor all of life's blessings and challenges and we dance with life as it dances through us.
I'm still finishing up the 2015 Qoya calendar, but here are the dates for upcoming retreats and teacher trainings. I will fill in the details soon! The first week of January, I'm creating more videos to share on each new moon and full moon beginning in March. Stay tuned for announcements of self-publishing my first book sharing the lifestyle practice of Qoya through movement, ritual, community building and pilgrimage. I will also be engaging more regularly on social media to stay connected with you. Please join me on:
Happy New Year! May the gifts of the brightest light be yours!
With love, Rochelle